Inadequacies

Never in my life have I felt more inadequate to complete a job than I do now with probably the biggest job in the world.

Motherhood.

I don't think that these feelings came about from my lack of being able to keep my child happy 24/7, or the fact that sometimes she has massive blow outs no matter what brand or size of diaper I use, or perhaps maybe it's because she was a great sleeper and now decided she needs to wake up after 4 hours, and then every 1-2 hours after that.

No, I think these feelings came about from being around other moms.

Yes, you read that correctly. I think my feelings of not being worthy to be a mom or have the knowledge to be a mom come from other women who are in an extremely similar boat that I'm in. How does this happen? Simple. Every mom is trying to do her best at taking care of this little human being and raise them to the best of her ability. But when someone else comes strolling in, in their off-brand, hand-me-down stroller with a diaper bag that isn't Petunia Pickle Bottom, and their daughter isn't wearing "Insert Expensive Hair Bow Company Here" or moccasins from "That One Place That Steals Your Child's College Tuition", the only thing that comes to mind is...

The truth of the matter is, with over 7 billion people on this lovely planet of ours, there is bound to be more than one parenting technique and decision. (Mind blown.) I'm not quite sure where this entitlement of "My way of parenting is better than yours" came from. I'm pretty sure when I was growing up, or when my parents or grandparents were little, there wasn't this huge pressure to do things like Mrs. Johnson down the street. And if you chose differently, there would be some serious judgement placed upon you.

Who knows.

Maybe there was.

I could be completely wrong in this line of thinking, but I think that things nowadays have gotten lots worse

To vaccinate or not.

To buy organic or not.

To pierce ears or not.

To circumcise or not.

To nurse or not.

To have an un-medicated birth or not.

To get professional pictures every month or have a roof over your head.

Okay, maybe that last one was a bit dramatic.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the vast majority of mothers want what is best for their children; they will do everything in their power to make them happy and raise them in the values and standards that they believe to be best.

So why do we do have to bash other moms for not doing things your way?

This whole post started when a mom in a Facebook group I'm apart of asked how to help their 4 month old child sleep longer because they kept waking up every 2 hours at night. I offered some advice that my doctor gave me at Eloise's last doctors appointment. Immediately, two other moms started criticizing my advice and saying how horrible I would be if I actually did that and that no mom in their right mind would do that to their child.

Hold up.

It's not like I just pulled this stuff out of a unicorn's rear while it was playing Ring Around the Rosies with a leprechaun on Leap Day. My doctor, who spent 4 years in medical school, a number of additional years studying pediatric medicine, then actually practicing said medicine for a countless number of years, said I should try this. And I was just trying to help a fellow mom who ASKED for suggestions. I, personally, never asked for suggestions from someone who would jump down my throat. I'm pretty sure I never asked for advice on said topic in the first place.

What makes me feel the most inadequate, and people should be ashamed of, is it's not like Eloise is my 16th kid and I've got this mom thing down to a T. I already feel like I don't know what I'm doing, my emotions have seen better days, and I'm doing my darndest to make this little one happy and healthy. I don't need some mom who's kid is 9 months older than Eloise telling me what I'm doing completely and utterly wrong and that they "rolled their eyes" at my parenting choices. 

Why, as mothers, can't we just support one another? Of course there are going to be differences. Life would be pretty vanilla if we all did the same exact thing.

Let's leave peer pressure for the high school years. Better yet, let's just get rid of peer pressure and let everyone choose what they want to do.

AND LET'S BE OKAY WITH IT!

She isn't walking yet??

What do you mean my 17 week old can't walk yet??

Being a new mom and experiencing so many new things, often times I find myself comparing my daughter to other babies her age and slightly older than she is.

In a bad way.

Not the, "I wish I had that child" sort of way. But the "Why can't she crawl yet when THAT baby is practically running" sort of way.

A friend of mine had her baby just a week after I had Eloise. She posted a few days ago that her daughter learned how to roll over and that she doesn't think she's ready for her to be mobile yet. When I read this post, I was happy for her, but also very sad and frustrated at myself because Eloise doesn't know how to roll over yet. Heck. She HATES tummy time!

All I could think about after reading that was trying to get my daughter to roll over.

All. The Time.

Within a few hours, I was on the floor with Eloise, putting her on her side and trying to help her feel how rolling over felt. She didn't enjoy this activity very much. Soon, tears started to roll and screams started to sound.

What the heck was I doing?! I was so caught up with the fact that someone's baby was rolling over (who knows how often) before mine. And she's not even 4 months old!! I was so concerned with what she wasn't doing, that I wasn't praising and embracing the things she could do.

I wasn't paying attention to what this little one was learning each and every day.

 Like the time that she REALLY found her thumb.

 Or the time that she rolled onto her side (that's almost rolling, right?!)

 Or when we went to breakfast and she was able to sit in the high chair thing by herself (with a pillow shoved behind her.)

 And then there's the time when she was able to lift her head during tummy time and grab for things.

Let's not forget the time that she scooted herself up from the middle of the play mat.

And lastly, the time that she started grabbing her toes.

All of these things make me realize that she really is growing. And then I question myself, "Why the heck do I want her to do things that will just equate to her growing up faster??"

The only baby I need to compare Eloise to, is Eloise from two weeks ago, yesterday, or last Thursday. She is growing and learning SO many things, that it took me being envious of one mom's post about her daughter rolling over to realize it.

I love Eloise Esther Memmott.

And she is my best friend.

Being a Mom

It's been a few months since my last post, and a LOT has happened since then.

First off, I'm sitting, nursing my daughter in her room. Yep, no longer pregnant. And I want to scream from the rooftops, "I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST PREGNANCY!!!" I'll be writing about my birth story later this week, so stay tuned for that. But first, let me introduce you to someone so dear to my heart, Eloise Esther Memmott.

 

Second, I forgot what it was like living in Arizona during the summer. And oh boy, I miss Utah more and more each day. Not only the weather and beautiful summers, but the awesome people that live there.

Lastly, I'm a Mom. And I've never done anything so exhausting, stressful, yet so rewarding in my entire life.

Let me explain.

Exhausting? Yep. I wake up around 4 times each night (on a good night) to feed my daughter. I knew I wouldn't sleep much, but man, I should have slept my entire third trimester just so I could remember what sleep was like! It's exhausting being the sustenance, milk bags, sole provider of nutrients that this little human needs, whatever you would like to call it. And when she's hungry, I'm required to drop everything I'm doing and obey her ever whimper. If not, well then nobody is happy. All those happy first time moms and experienced moms never said anything about how debilitating nursing would be. They just kept saying how awesome it is to be so close to your child and be able to provide everything they need. (Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy being so close to my daughter.) And not to mention, IT'S FREE. No, it's not really free. There is a fee for breastfeeding. And that fee is my time. There is a huge pile of laundry that has yet to be folded sitting on my bed, my dogs feel neglected, and don't even ask me what's for dinner. I would say close to 70% of my day is spent nursing Eloise or pumping. That leaves 30% to get sleep, eat something, hopefully shower, and take care of the duties around the house. All I have to say, is both of my mothers in law had 13 kids. I have a whole new respect for them (and all other moms) because it seriously takes a village to raise a child {let alone 13}. And I'm only on week 3!

What's stressful about being a mom? Well for starters, Eloise hasn't quite got that talking thing down. She only knows how to cry (we're working on it). And when it's 3 in the afternoon, I haven't showered, have only eaten 2 slices of cold pizza from dinner last night, am going off of 4 hours of sleep, and have a crying newborn who I just nursed and has a clean diaper and I have NO clue what is the matter, things tend to get stressful. I've read a few studies that show that you can't hold a baby too much. I beg to differ. You can hold a baby too much, when they start to cry the moment you put them down and will only stop crying when they are picked back up. Trust me, I would know. It's stressful not being able to get anything done around the house because my baby doesn't like the bouncer, swing, or anything other than my arms.

So how is being a mom "so rewarding?" I can't even begin to explain. Nothing will ever top that moment when I first held Eloise. All the pains of labor and deliver became a figment of my imagination. The world just stopped as this little angel looked up at me, and then proceeded to scream. Everything is worth it when I see her little mouth turn upward in her sleep. Or when she holds my finger. I know she doesn't quite know who I am or what's going on, but when grandma is holding her and she won't stop crying until I take her, it just makes all of these hard times and very challenging circumstances worth while; to know that I am everything that my daughter needs. I would do all of this, all the sleepless nights, spit up, and dirty diapers over again in a heartbeat to see my little girl look up at me.

I know things are only going to get more difficult. She will try my patience (as I tried my parent's), push the limits, and make it difficult to be her parent more than a friend. But I know that it will just get even more rewarding to see her walk, graduate high school, and pursue her dreams. All I can say is I am so excited to go on this journey. And ever more excited that her daddy is my husband.

I heard this song a few months ago and it couldn't be more true. Although it's from a father's perspective, it illustrates perfectly how I feel.

 

When it's all said and done, I couldn't have asked for a better job than being a mom. I couldn't have dreamed of a cuter daughter to make all of this worth it. And I couldn't have a better partner in crime, lover, and person of all things awesome to go through this with than my husband.

Is being pregnant really worth it?

I LOVE being pregnant. I love feeling my baby kick and move (to some extent). It amazes me how my body knows exactly what to do to "grow a human" and create life. Pregnancy is awesome!

But the hard parts of pregnancy, the sleepless nights and achy hips and forgetfulness and run-on sentences like these, are just hard to deal with. The hardest part, I would say, is the craziness.

What craziness you ask?

The craziness of figuring out what is going to happen after the baby comes, who is going to work, who is staying home, how do we pay bills and buy diapers, etc.

The craziness of nothing fits like it should and everything makes me look fat.

The craziness of not getting enough sleep.

The craziness of "he didn't say good morning to me fast enough, I want him dead."

The craziness of "is this pain normal?"

The craziness that no one really ever talks about because being pregnant is, well, just plain awesome!

But the truth is, pregnancy is hard.

Yes, harder for some than others.

I knew it would be hard, but not in the ways I thought. I had always heard phrases and jokes about pregnant women being crazy, but never knew any crazy pregnant women, so I thought it didn't happen and it was all hype.

And then I met myself as a crazy pregnant woman. And proceeded to freak out. I would cry for no apparent reason other than I couldn't find one shoe. Or the time nobody noticed I got my hair cut and sent me into a spiral of crying fits.

Nor did I think about how uncomfortable it would be to sleep and that I would need to cuddle a pregnancy pillow instead of my husband. Or the fact that I would wake up every thirty minutes because Myrtle decided it was time to have a party.

I didn't think about how hard it would be to see my weight go up, even though I knew it would because I'm carrying a baby here. I didn't think about how Myrtle growing and getting bigger would squish my organs and feel...weird. Or about how I crave chocolate pudding like none other and before I was pregnant, I HATED pudding.

Who knew that you were supposed to keep track of the last time you had your menstrual cycle? Because I didn't, I have been told 4 different due dates that span a period of almost 4 weeks, the latest date being what I have been going off of for the past 3 months. How am I supposed to plan accordingly if I really am due at the end of April and not the middle of May and there is no way to know for sure?

Have I mentioned learning about epidurals and what REALLY happens during labor and delivery? Yeah, not quite what I thought. I didn't know that receiving an epidural would require a needle to constantly be in your back, or that sometimes the anesthesiologist could miss and possibly have to put it in your spine a few times before getting it right. I didn't know quite what it meant to be dilated to a 10, and holy ®*%#, how is that natural?! Maybe I'm just naive or a late learner, or just have a horrible memory, but it would have been nice to know how this was going to end so I could have better prepared myself while I was sane and not the "My ice cream is melting. It's the end of the world!" crazy pregnant woman.

On top of all of this, the reality that mine and my husband's lives are never going to be the same, it's never going to be just him and I, and it's never going to be just a walk in the park is really hard to understand and comprehend. And it frightens me.

One thing I consistently forget, is that I am making life here. I am preparing a human to be born. So why on earth did I think it would be easy?! I mean, the act was easy, but the process has been challenging. What in this life really is easy? Marriage is difficult. School is difficult. Finances are difficult. Living in and of itself is difficult. And I am making a human. Of course it's going to be difficult. But I know that it will all be worth it.

How do I know it will be worth it?

Because this has been a dream of mine since I can remember, and it's finally happening. 

Because the smiles my nieces give my sister melt my heart. 

Because a child's giggle can cure any horrible day. 

Because seeing a child learn and develop their own personality is something-out-of-this-world awesome.

Because you can't tell me baby clothes aren't cute.

I have a newfound respect for my mothers in law. John's mom had 13 kids and his step mom had 13 kids as well. I am nervous about just having 1! I question how they did it and everyone is still alive and still have all 10 fingers and 10 toes because here I am freaking out about 1!

But I know that with my husband and the Lord on my side, I can beat this pregnancy and all the fun side effects that unwillingly come with it.

I feel like after going through this, I can take on the world!

Bring. It. On.

The Anti-Gay What???

It's 7 in the morning, I still have to make my lunch, do my makeup, and finish getting ready for work. Yet here I find myself, writing a blog about a very touchy subject to most of the people I know here in Arizona.

I stayed up rather late last night reading a blog about the "Anti-Gay Law" or SB 1062 from Matt Walsh. You can find the blog post here.

I won't go into much detail about it as Matt does an excellent job debunking most "haters'" problems with the bill, and does it so eloquently. I will merely highlight a few things that I found to be very eye opening and wonderful points.

(And if you don't know what SB 1062 is, you can find that here and here.)

First off, this isn't a law against gay people. This is a law to protect businesses from participating in acts that they find morally wrong. If a gay couple can sue a baker, photographer, and florist for not wanting to participate in their gay nuptials because the find that morally wrong, why can't I sue a Kosher deli for not catering a non-kosher meal? That is something that they follow with their religion. I just don't see the connection in allowing a Christian baker to go down for something they choose to follow with their religion.

Some people are saying that this is combining church and state. While I agree to some extent, not having this is in place is not allowing people to practice their religion freely, which is supposed to be protected in the First Amendment. 

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, OR prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."

This law is not about Christianity only. This is about protecting every religion to allow them to practice freely. And one thing I don't understand, is why these couples in New Mexico, Washington, and Colorado were able to sue someone for practicing their first amendment rights. The government just came in and prohibited them from their "free exercise thereof."

Secondly, many people are saying that this law is the "Jim Crow law of the 21st century." Like Matt states on his blog, 

"We should remember that blacks were in chains in this country. They were literally treated as less than human. They could be legally murdered and beaten and starved. They were set apart, cast aside, and violently and systematically oppressed.

Not only are gays in a better position than this, but the two scenarios are diametrically opposite. Unlike historical blacks, gays are afforded special legal protections. They are celebrated by the president, Hollywood, pop culture, the media, mainstream culture, and most major corporations. 

They are hoisted on a pedestal by only the most powerful and influential people in the country.

Black people ought to deliver a sound verbal smackdown to any historically illiterate gasbag who even attempts to paint the slightest equivalency between the suffering of blacks and gays."

Again, I don't see the connection between this bill and "Jim Crow."

Lastly, and this is my favorite part, some comments are definitely worth mentioning. One guy got his panties in a wad because if you are a business, you are to "serve to the public, meaning everybody." Another commenter stated "I build websites for a living. Should I be required to build a porn site for someone just because I 'provide a public service?'" What a great way to put it, and I applaud you kind sir.

Another commenter wrote "What you are missing is that the constitution is guaranteeing freedom from discrimination from the government. Citizens are left with their freedom to discriminate in tact. The government is slowly attempting to push their obligation onto citizens, which erodes our rights."

Yes, I agree that there are a lot of changes that need to be made before this ever becomes actual law. I believe it is written poorly, but the premise and grounds for needing this are very real.

And on that note, I end this post so I can get ready and go to work. Have a wonderful week/end folks :)

Life in Good Ol' AZ

Well it's been quite a while since I've written. And I think it is long over due.

John and I moved down to Arizona right before Christmas. The move was kind of unexpected and unplanned, to an extent.

You see, life was going great! We just found out we were pregnant, loved our jobs, and put an offer on a house up in Morgan, UT, where John is originally from. We got out of our lease at our apartment and moved in with John's sister and her family until we closed on the house. We finally felt like REAL adults. Big changes were coming, and we were so excited.

Then things started to go south.

John's co-worker, who he dealt directly with at the clinic he worked at in Park City, started to be very difficult to work with. After a few weeks, John didn't feel like he could be himself at work, like he had been for the past 5 months. And then the phone calls started coming in from patients. One person called in to say he was offended that John mentioned he went on an LDS mission. One mother called in to complain about some, not necessarily advice, per say, but some things he knows about muscles that he had offered to her daughter who was planning on going into sports as a career, while performing an x-ray. Another person called to complain about who knows what. On top of that, this co-worker complained to their manager that she was offended about some things John had said (which were in no way inappropriate) that John had no idea made her upset. All of this happened within probably 2 weeks. And it was just too much for the clinic to handle.

So they let him go, the week before Thanksgiving. They were nice enough to give him a severance and pay our insurance through the end of December.

But I was absolutely devastated. Not only were my hormones completely out of whack, but so many HUGE things were happening and we couldn't do any of it without his income. On the way home from work that day after he told me, I was a mess. I was overcome with anger, fear, and panic. What were we going to do? We lost the house, we couldn't stay with John's sister long term, and we couldn't afford to move out on our own. I was having a baby and were going to lose insurance. And having a baby without insurance is very financially scary. The only good thing we had going for us, was the fact we were going through the temple in a few days. And even that I felt was up in the air because of the feelings I was feeling towards this individual.

I feel like John being let go stemmed from his co-worker. And I hated (yes, hated) her with every fiber of my being. See, she had been there for over 8 years. And then came along John. Someone that had things in line in his life, we were going through the temple, having a baby, buying a house, and she was just very unhappy. So she did all she could to get him to leave.

After a few days, I was tired of holding this hatred for this woman. The biggest lesson that this experience has taught me, has been to love my enemies. Even though I felt very wronged and targeted, I had something that she was missing. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was going through the temple in a few weeks to be sealed for time and all eternity to the love of my life. I was going to have an eternal family. And no obstacle or trial could take the truthfulness of that away.

So as hard as it was, I started to pray for her. I started to pray that her heart would be softened and that she would find happiness; that no matter what trials she was going through, she would be able to find peace and love. It's not my place to blame someone else for my trials. It sure is easy sometimes, but things happen for all sorts of reasons. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And they happen so that we can learn lessons. I have no idea what she is up to now, or who has taken John's place and if they are having any better success than John did. But I honestly hope that one day she will be happy.

Anywho, enough of that sob story.

December 23rd we packed up the truck and moved down to Mesa, AZ. I currently work for a lien service company in the valley and love it! The only down side about working there, is I see all the time how people are wronged by other people. Sometimes it's a little hard to take in, but such is life. John is currently working for my brother-in-law's dad doing landscaping, while he looks for other jobs as an x-ray tech [by the way, if you know of any place hiring an x-ray tech who is pretty freakin' sweet, let me know ;)]. Mo and Bear absolutely LOVE being here and being able to play outside in the warmth. Being close to my family is awesome, and starting to build a relationship with my niece is heartwarming.

It still hasn't quite sunk in that we are living here and are not just visiting or on vacation. I never thought I would be living back in Arizona. Ever. I was pretty set on staying in Utah for the rest of my life. I love it up there; being so close to nature and the mountains is something that I miss daily. So many times I think "Oh, I'm going to go here for lunch" or "I want to go to this store" and then I remember that those places are only up in Utah. Plus, it's kind of hard being away from John's family. They are just such an awesome bunch of people. I miss the family get-togethers and different events that they have. And it doesn't help that his nieces and nephews are beyond adorable and fun.

In the end, I know everything happens for a reason. I know John was let go for some reason, we just haven't found out yet. I'm happy to be back in my home town, and am very excited to see where life takes us from here!

Baby Surprises

So if you saw my Facebook last night, you will have noticed that we announced we are having a baby girl!! Here is our story :)

Back in August, my family was planning a trip up to Utah in October to visit us and go to a doTERRA conference. We were living in Heber at the time and were very excited to have them come stay with us. My sister mentioned that she wanted to have some family pictures taken since it had been over a year since the last time we had pictures taken, and we had a new member of the family to add, my niece Aubry. I thought it was a good idea and started to look for photographers in the area. August 26th, we agreed on a photographer and my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. I immediately emailed the photographer and let her know that I wanted to surprise my family with the news while we were taking pictures. She LOVED the idea, and we were all set.

I didn't tell my family or John's family at all, and that was very very hard. I never had really bad morning sickness, but I just felt nauseous all the time. My coworkers knew because I found out I was pregnant at work and kinda freaked out a little (in a good way!). So here I was, newly pregnant, feeling sick all the time, and could only talk to my husband and coworkers, who don't have kids. I couldn't ask for advice from my sister or my mom, and that killed me inside. 

The month and a half went by, and my family didn't have a clue that we were expecting. I was just hoping and praying that my nausea would subside and I would be able to keep it a secret while they were there. They arrived on Tuesday and we weren't taking pictures until Saturday, so I had to keep my mouth shut for a few days. The whole week I had worked so hard to lead them astray and kill any thought or idea that we were pregnant or planning on getting pregnant any time soon.

And it worked!

Saturday rolls around and we get ready for pictures. We arrive to the location and start shooting. I wanted to tell them in one of the group shots, but I was just so nervous!! We took pictures in a few group settings, and we were about done with group shots, so I had to do it now! We get situated in the position below, and the whole time my husband keeps whispering to me "Okay Caren. Any day now. Are you going to tell them?"

Finally, I turn to them and say "Oh yeah, mom? I don't know if I told you, but we're pregnant." Just very nonchalantly dropped the bomb. And you can see how they reacted...

NOW, it finally sunk in. First thing out of my older sister's mouth? "SHUT UP!"

 Commence the hugs.

And tears of joy.

Of course, my mom thought I was a stinker. But it was so worth it! At this point, I was a little over 10 weeks along (I can't remember how far along exactly I was). It was such a relief to finally let them know and not have to keep it quiet any longer. It was a very perfect day :)

Fast forward two months, and here we are! I had a doctors appointment on Wednesday to find out the sex of the baby. Long story short, I thought I was a week farther along than I was, and my doctor wouldn't do an anatomy ultrasound for another week or two. Oh boy, I could already feel Mama Bear coming out. A few of my friends announced they were pregnant and what they were having at like 13 or 14 weeks. Here I was, 17/18 weeks along and she said that they could still miss things if they did one, and we had to wait until around 20 weeks.  

Bull. Crap.

 She had me come back in for a different ultrasound on Friday to double check some things, and I told the ultrasound tech that I just NEEDED to know what we were having. Amidst so many changes and challenges in my life right now, I needed something to look forward to. So, she went ahead and did the anatomy ultrasound (against doctor's orders) and we found out we are having a girl!

My family knew I was supposed to find out on Wednesday, but I didn't want to tell them until after we went through the temple on Saturday and most of our family would be there. (By the way, we went through the temple!!) So I call my sister, and I tell her the bad news that I didn't find out on Wednesday and had to go back in on Friday for another ultrasound. Of course, with everything that has happened thus far with the baby, she didn't believe me. Same thing with my mom. They thought I was just holding out for the perfect time to tell them, but they wanted to know now!! Haha.  Friday rolls around and I talk to them about the other ultrasound I had to go in for and explained that the ultrasound tech wouldn't do an anatomy scan because that's not what the doctor ordered and I had to go in in two weeks to have that done. They were a little hesitant to believe me, but I pushed it pretty hard, so they had no choice but to believe me.

Saturday rolls around and we go through the temple. We all got together afterwards to eat dinner, and to tell them the great news! We were all sitting around reading menus, and I again, nochalantly, tell my mom "So mom. You'll need to dry clean the baby blessing gown. Because we're having a girl." It took her a second to finally realize what was just said, but at this point my sister was celebrating and was so excited! The rest of our family was very excited. The Memmott side of the family needs more girls, as we have mostly boys. The Allred side of the family, needs more boys as we have 14 girls, and 2 boys. But we are so very excited to have a girl. All I know is girls, so I'm excited to spoil her :)

Moral of the story, I'm a great liar and keeper of secrets ;)