Sunday, August 26, 2012

Grudges

" Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head."


Let me tell you a story.

In high school, I wasn't one who had 12862328 friends. I could possibly count all of my close friends on one hand. (All of these names have been changed) I had known Jane for a while through Church, but we were never really friends. We had a class together one year and became pretty good friends. Our friendship really grew when I helped her through a breakup with Joe. That's when I knew she would be my best friend. We did everything together. We even thought about being roommates after high school. The second semester of school came around, and we were two peas in a pod. I had met my boyfriend at the time, and we introduced her to his friend. Double dates them became a popular thing. While I was very much in like with my boyfriend, Jane wasn't really too big of a fan of her man. So she broke things off. Through a bad (really bad in my eyes) breakup, our friendship somehow unwound. We still had a class together, but that was extremely awkward. The friendly notes stopped, walking to class together died. I was lost. At first, I was livid. I didn't want to talk to her, I didn't want to see her, I wanted nothing to do with Jane. Subsequently, (and because of many other things) my boyfriend and I broke up. I had no one to talk to. My best friend had deserted me. And I blamed my breakup on Jane. It was all her fault. She had ruined my life. (I hate how hindsight is 20/20 because I wish I had known what I know now back then.) I then held a grudge against her for quite some time.

In the halls at school, we looked opposite ways when we passed. I then walked to my classes alone. Yes, I was a loner. I was definitely not one of those "popular" ones. And I could give a rats @**. Anywho, I just had such bad feelings towards Jane. It didn't help me sleep at night, I would often complain to my mom about how wrong she was and how rude and disrespectful she was.

After a while of me complaining about this, I saw the quote "Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head." And she was doing just that. She didn't know, but she was occupying my thoughts daily, in a negative way. She was destroying the peace that I had. And I decided to kick her out of my head. I decided to be the better person and apologize for whatever I had done to start this whole not-talking fight.
So I apologized.
And guess what....
I got nothing in return.
And that made me even MORE mad. So, I went back to being mad and hating her. Then I realized what Satan had done. He had tricked me to be mad when she might not have been ready to apologize, or maybe she was too ashamed to apologize. I don't know the story, and I never will. But I tried to reach out and apologize again. And again. And again. I think I spammed her Facebook inbox with apologies. And each one went without a response. But I persisted. I NEEDED her to know that I was sorry. 

The end of the year came around and everyone was ready to graduate. I knew I was. We got our yearbooks and started to fill them with memories of the previous three years of high school. Nervous as all get-out, I asked Jane to sign my yearbook. Quietly, she accepted and wrote two or three sentences in my book of memories. In my head I thought, I WON!!!!! I had just gotten my was-best-friend to sign my year book!! (YES.) I was so happy, for all of five minutes. And then it hit me. She still would not talk to me. Yes, it made me sad, but I accepted the possibility of us never being friends again. Reluctantly, I was okay with that. She had shown me things and taught me things that I might have never known without her.

Graduation rolled around, and when her name was called, I cheered for her. I wished the best for her in her life. Jane is an amazing girl, and I know she'll make it far.

When I moved up to Utah, things were still unresolved. Sometimes I thought back to the good times, and it would make me sad. So I would find her on Facebook, and try messaging her. Again, with no response. So I figured, if I can't reach her, I'll try her mom! So I did, and I got some details about how Jane was doing and what she was up to with life. She was no longer with her beau and was happy as ever. I was ecstatic to hear that she was doing so well.

I tried to reach out to her on one of my trips down to Arizona to visit my family. I wanted to see Jane and go out to lunch or something and catch up. I must have been praying really hard because when I messaged her to see if she wanted to go out to lunch sometime, SHE SAID YES!! I was overjoyed with happiness and started crying from excitement. I couldn't sleep. I wanted to get down to Arizona the next day so I could see her!

Alas, the long awaited meeting came. I'll admit, it was a little awkward at first when I saw her because it brought back some of the harsh feelings that I had. After talking for a few minutes, those feelings were long gone and it was just like the old days. I loved it.

When we were done eating, we walked out to our cars and said our goodbyes. I told her that I wish I didn't live in Utah now that our friendship is somewhat rekindled. That struck a chord and she started crying and apologizing. I felt so bad for saying that because I didn't mean to upset her. Soon we were both big cry babies and couldn't keep it together. She had apologized for not responding to any of my messages and for letting our friendship go.

Today, Jane and I are good, distant friends.We have overcome our differences and forgiven each other for the things that were done to hurt one another.

"Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head". This could not be more true. Not only is it bad for your mental health, but would Christ ever hold a grudge? Absolutely not. Holding grudges hurts no one but yourself.

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". I was angry with Jane. And even though I had tried to apologize, I was still a little angry because she wouldn't give me the time of day. Sometimes, people aren't ready to say they are sorry. Or maybe they don't see that they are in the wrong. There are countless reasons as to why someone won't, or can't, apologize to you. I couldn't know what was going on in her life. Maybe I had said something that was just completely unforgivable. For whatever reason, I don't hold it against Jane for not talking to me. I took my time to come to my senses, and she took hers.

So will you be the one drinking the poison, or the one evicting someone?

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