Crippling Problems

Let's be real for a second.

I have a problem.

It's a rather dangerous problem and never ends well.

I get jealous.

Very easily I might add.

I don't know where this problem of mine stems from, but I know that it isn't growing into a beautiful bouquet of roses. It's growing into an ugly pile of thorns inside my heart.

This problem of mine got me into a lot of trouble when I was younger.  And to be quite frank, it's getting me into trouble now.  With social media so readily available to drown yourself in (which is almost expected), I tend to sit and stew about why Holly Jane's daughter has those adorable leggings that I only dream of, why Susy-Talks-A-Lot and her husband go on extravagant family trips every (what seems like) 6 months, or more recently why Kathy Jo's business is more successful than mine.

I let other people's actions and blessings control my happiness.

Why would I allow them to have that kind of control?  Couldn't tell you, because I haven't figured it out yet either.  All I know is that this jealousy leads me to a very dark place where love and happiness cannot reside.

In a talk given by Jeffrey R. Holland, he states:

"Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition. May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed. The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those.

Furthermore, envy is a mistake that just keeps on giving. Obviously we suffer a little when some misfortune befalls us, but envy requires us to suffer all good fortune that befalls everyone we know! What a bright prospect that is—downing another quart of pickle juice every time anyone around you has a happy moment! To say nothing of the chagrin in the end, when we find that God really is both just and merciful, giving to all who stand with Him “all that he hath,” as the scripture says. So lesson number one from the Lord’s vineyard: coveting, pouting, or tearing others down does not elevate your standing, nor does demeaning someone else improve your self-image. So be kind, and be grateful that God is kind. It is a happy way to live."

 I mean, I love pickles, but being jealous and envious of others really is like downing a quart of pickle juice. And sadly, I have pickle juice up to my eyes.

I know a lot of people who are stronger than I am.  My husband is a great example of that.  Any time I have a little fit about "Why can't we have that" or "Why does she get those" etc, he always gives very insightful words or wisdom and ensures me that we have everything that we need.  (This is one thing I'm not jealous of: other people's husbands.  I wouldn't trade mine for the universe.)

Sure other people might stumble into wealth, work their tail feathers off to get where they are, or are blessed with many blessing, but we've worked pretty hard too.  My husband's job allows me to stay home with our beautiful daughter, we have a roof over our head, a car that runs, food continually on the table, and love that will last an eternity.

Okay so I might not have the newest model car, and I might get everything on clearance, but that is not how the Lord measures my worth.

Thomas S. Monson said:

"The Savior provided assurance of this truth when He taught that even a sparrow shall not fall to the ground unnoticed by our Father. He then concluded the beautiful thought by saying, “Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.”"

Not to mention the fun fact that none of these earthly things will matter in the next life.  I won't be able to take my daughter's 27 hair bows or our (in)expensive TV.  I will, however, be able to take the memories of laughter and learning, the bright light in my daughter's eyes, and the love that is created in our home.

"God is infinitely more interested in our having a place in His kingdom than with our spot on a mortal organizational chart." -Neal A. Maxwell.

Even though I might stumble and fall, fail over and over again, and cause my own sadness and misery instead of peace and happiness, I know that I am great in the sight of the Lord.  And I know that He will help me overcome this (very) crippling problem.

Growing pains

Between myself and Eloise, Eloise is doing all the growing, and I'm dealing with all the pain. She has started crawling this week, and I'm having a really hard time with it.

I knew it was inevitable that Eloise would grow up. And I knew it would be difficult. I just didn't know how emotionally hard it would be for me to see her change; to become a completely different baby than what she was 8 months ago. 8 months ago I would beg for another hour of sleep. Now, I beg for one more snuggle, one more wave, one more pull to the hair to give a kiss, or one more clap of the hands. I love seeing the wheels turning in her head and the excitement from finding something new. There is so much wonder and awe in her eyes.

I never knew how much I could love a human being. Even on our rough days, which tend to happen more frequently than I had planned, I would never trade her for the world. I find no greater joy than being her mom.

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."

--Angela Scwindt

Thanks

This Thanksgiving, I have an awful lot to be thankful for. For one, I have my beautiful daughter who lights up my life and brings so much joy and happiness to my pretty boring life. Secondly, my husband. He pours up with crazy ol' me and somehow manages to make me laugh when I don't want to. He truly is the best husband I could have asked for. Lastly, I am gratefully for the Lord's tender mercies in disguise. We were supposed to be in Utah for Thanksgiving, but due to some unexpected things at John's work, we had to cancel last minute. And boy was I mad. We decided to go up next week, instead of just canceling, and it is a huge blessing. This is the first Thanksgiving I will have with my family in 5 years, we'll be able to spend time with some of John's family who would have been out of town this weekend (and they'll get to meet Eloise), I'll be able to go to a pretty awesome woman's wedding next weekend, and the list continues. I was pretty excited to be in Utah this week, but I'm glad that the Lord had a different plan.

Overall, this Thanksgiving I am grateful for my family. And because I couldn't pick just one family picture, here are a few, or all of them :)

The 6 month old mom and baby

6 months ago, I was holding my daughter, or staring at my husband holding her while in the hospital. I just became a mom a few hours prior, and I had no clue what I was in for. Over the past 6 months, so many changes have happened to my little family, and so many lessons were learned.

First and foremost, I didn't know our bodies were capable of running on such little sleep. Eloise has always slept in her crib and slept fairly well from the beginning. As a newborn, she would sleep for up to 4 hour stretches. Then we left the "4th trimester" as my sister calls it, and by the time she was around 3 1/2-4 months, she decided to wake up every 2-2.5 hours to eat. And boy that sucked. She eventually got back to a 4 hour stretch schedule, and the last week or so has only been waking up once to eat, sometimes not at all. But our bodies really are remarkable!

Second, and a very close second at that, it is beyond my comprehension how you can love something so much. When I was pregnant, I knew that I loved our daughter because you just..do. After watching her grow over the last 6 months, my loves grows exponentially each day. I can't put it in words how much I love her.

Next, what baby wants, baby gets. Plain and simple, no real explanation necessary. 

Lastly, moms are bullies (not all moms are). I am not one to pick my child up a split second after she starts crying (unless she is obviously hurt). Nor do I rock her to sleep anymore. Sure, there are some nights where I have a hard time putting her in her crib because I just want to snuggle her all night long. But she goes to bed slightly awake, just like any other human being. And after voicing some of my parenting styles to other moms, a lot of shaming and bashing ensued. You can read more about it here.

Some fun facts about Eloise:

1. She loves her toes.

2. She definitely knows who her mom is, and will scream if a stranger holds her (or in the case of her doctor's appt this morning, if the stranger touches her face.)

3. She is really happy in the morning.

4. She has 2 teeth, and got the Allred genes, measuring in the 95th percentile for height (for the 6th consecutive month).

5. She loves when daddy tickles her with his beard.

6. She loves, and I mean LOVES our puppies, and will stare at them all the time.

7. She still hates being on her tummy.

8. She loves when you clap.

9. She will stick her hand and arm out toward you as if she is waving.

10. She is afraid of the dark, but only in the car.

Well enough about me babbling on about the last 6 months, enjoy some pictures of my Eloise :)

This is her normal, resting face. (98% of the time.)

 Until you bring out her favorite toy!

 A little orange cow.

"I have all the awesome things!"

 Every. Single. Time. we get in the car, she immediately stares up at the light for a few seconds and starts talking.

Nom nom nom.

I have absolutely loved these last 6 months. And I am so happy that I am privileged to be Eloise's mom. Until next time!